He was calm, calm as he always was, merely watching them. He saw the angles they would attack from, and from there the angles he could counterattack from. He didn’t exert much effort as he weaved through the group, side stepping a massive paw as he readied his gladius to attack. He singled a Yaire Lion out, aimed for its left hindquarter, and deftly stabbed into his flesh, through the muscle, and darted away as it crumpled to the ground, its fierce roar turned into a whimper. The four others merely leapt over him and continued their attack. He was ready once again,targeting the leftmost lion and slashed horizontally through its eyes, blinding it. It went berserk, swinging wildly, slashing another lion, who responded in turn, jumping on top his blinded brethren as he trained his jaw on his jugular. As the teeth sunk in, he crowd roared in approval, their bloodlust being sated. He only wanted the ordeal to be over. The last two lions stood before him now, their roar reduced to a guttural rumbling in their throat as they studied him. They began to circle slowly, and for the first time in a long time he felt like prey. They were no longer raging beasts, but patient hunters. He couldn’t predict the attack any more, and he wasn’t foolish enough to rush in. Yet he needed to act. He picked up a rock at his side and flung it at a lion, the rock bouncing off of its skull. It roared and charged him, losing its cool and advantage. He side stepped as it lunged at him, slashing at its side as flew through the air, leaving gashes that bled profusely. The other lion merely watched. as if it were waiting for an opening. The lion he slashed charged forward again, too prideful to back down, and as it opened its mouth to roar once again, he saw his opening. Without much thought he thrust his sword into its mouth, the blade piercing through the back of the roof of its mouth through the back of its head. the crowd exploded at the sight, the lion halting almost completely as he pulled the blade out of its mouth and moved away as it crashed to the ground. His victory was almost complete.
“That is enough!” bellowed the king from the rafters, displeasure brazen on his face as he scowled. “This...bores me. There is no drama here, no sense of danger...this has ran its course. Away with them.”
Guards emerged from the gates and grabbed him, shackling the lion before it could begin to resist. And as they took him away, he gazed up into the crowd, catching her gaze, and smiled.
That's all I have at the moment.
Although the notion of an action scene is interesting, most of the descriptions had run-on sentences. I understand the need for clear imaging, but I felt as if some of it was unnecessary.
ReplyDeleteI definitely see this as a piece of a bigger work, the end really leaving me wanting more. More of the boy and the story behind him and the girl.
Linking to wanting more is a very good setting. The reader is bound to be curious.
ReplyDeleteWhy is the boy in the cage? How is he a monster? Powers? Wildness? A child-soldier? Who's the girl? and so on.
Very good setting.
I agree on the run ons, its the method I use to create flowing action at the moment but I'll have to tighten them up eventually. I just wanted something fast paced and brutal. It's sort of ironic that you said some of it was unnecessary, my entire m.o. is avoiding over writing. More work more work.
ReplyDeleteRemembering other stories you wrote, I think your forte is... looking for the right words...
ReplyDeleteNarrating scenery and atmosphere. I get pulled in when I read those paragraphs. The scene at the train yard a while back. The shack in the beginning too. Now this story, I like the last paragraph.
I honestly think the way you describe action is suited and based for and on manga. A picture is worth a thousand words, or something like that. With words you have to be a little vaguer and more flexible.
That's what I think anyways. Hope it helps.
You're quite right, actually. I was reading a bit of a potential novel I'm working at and there's a small action scene that flows much better then this one. This piece(the one we're talking about here) was a good experiment though, I can use it for later works, and the core concept is very writable.
ReplyDelete