Sunday, June 12, 2011

First best thing I've written, essentially about the cons of drug use. 




"Aim for the heart of their world. Prolong our legacy."

So said the creed of the Deathnauts, as they descended upon the foreign world below. Cloaked in dark armor, faces shrouded by monstrous headgear. They depicted themselves as demons, not vagrant men, as they tore through the meager defenses that stood before them. Guns, explosives...what was the point, when one of the Deathnauts number had the strength to rend a man in two with his bare hands? When standard weaponry did naught but lay scratches on their armor?

In hours, they laid waste to an entire city. Fire, rubble, the screams that could only come from the mouths of those stricken by inhumane misfortune...this was the work of devils. And the Deathnauts proudly took that mantle as they took the prize of their spoils. From far above, their mothership lowered from its underside a grey tentacle like appendage. It shot into the surface of the planet, deep into it's core.

"And now, to strip this planet of its life."

The Deathnauts surrounded the tentacle, and each laid a hand on the tentacle. It emanated a deep blue as it began to purr softly. The earth began to rumble, as the fertility was stolen from its soil. It's very soul was being sucked from it. It was a quick process.

"We have taken from them what we ourselves never had. Now they shall suffer. Suffer like our forefathers. All shall suffer."

The tentacle disconnected itself from the earth, and rose back to the mothership. And the Deathnauts rose with it. The planet would soon become inhospitable. But the Deathnauts would live on. The Evangelion would thrive.



"And this next planet, is it just as dangerous?"

He smirked in response to her remark. He, who in the face of danger relished the opportunity to rend foes to pieces, and to embrace death's frostbitten touch, only to draw away triumphantly after each battle. He spoke in confident tones.

"Danger means nothing to us. Only lesser men let danger deter them from battle."

She sighed deeply, her emotions running deeper then bloodlust. She felt more then concern. She wanted to keep him near, close to her, so that he would never be harmed. The battlefield frightened her.

"Promise me that you'll stay."

"Don't say such things."

"Your life...do you ever fear for your life?"

"The life of the Evangelion, and the legacy of my people is greater then my own, my love. My life, if sacrificed to keep the Evangelion alive, is a sacrifice worth making."

Tears began to stream down her face. She was afraid. She felt the fear he could not feel, or would not acknowledge. She drew closer to him.

"Ophilio...tell me that you'll stay."

"The battlefield calls. Wait for me here. I shall return shortly."

He rose from the bed, from her grasp, and left the room. She collapsed onto the bed, sobbing deeply. Her love, her heart, a piece of her that, once lost, could never been replaced, gone, not certain to return. She could only pray, as she always did.

Ophilio marched to the dispatch room, flanked by his subordinates. Their armor, dull grey and unspectacular in form, paled greatly in comparison to his crimson armor, adorned with spikes along the spine, the helmet he carried under his right arm fashioned in the shape of a dragon's head.

As he entered the room, he was saluted by the men who stood waiting to be sent down to the planet below. He walked to the head of the room, and turned to face them.

"At ease."

The atmosphere was tense. Much of the men in the room were new trainees, virgins to the art of pillaging and destruction. Ophilio was calm, cool.

"The last planet we assailed yielded less Gaius then we assumed it would. As such, we will be heading down to the planet below, to make sure our reserves are full before we make a trip into the dimensional spectrum. Unfortunately, most of our seasoned hunters are taking a well earned rest. Therefore, you all will accompany me on this trip."

He scanned the room. Though they were all masked, he could tell through their body language that they were not ready.

"Whatever fears you have that may ail you, suppress them. You are accompanying me. Whatever may lay dormant on this planet, shall fall before me."

He donned his helmet.

"Let us be off."

The room went dark, before it began to glow a dark red. There was a loud whirring of machinery, before they all disappeared, transported to the planet below.



In Ophilio's mind, there was only the Evangelion. The only thing he had ever called a home. The majestic craft, it's origins unknown, was as bound to his people as they were to it. One could not exist without the other. As long as the Deathnauts protected the Evangelion, it would give them powers unimaginable, the ability to strike down whatever came their way.

War was their profession.

They crashed down to the planet's surface, causing chaos as the climbed out of the deep crater they created. Ophilio, seeing the fear on their faces, smiled. They resembled him, human life forms. But they did not share his bloodline, or his burden. They lived peacefully, without worry or fear of imminent danger. They would learn that fear today.

Ophilio raised his right arm, opening his hand as a blade materialized from thin air into his grasp.

"Men! Spread out and destroy!" he commanded.

Without warning, the troop began to attack indiscriminately, striking at whatever was closest to them. There was a inhuman rage in their attacks, the nervousness they exhibited in the dispatch room all but gone as they realized that they were the ones in control. As they attacked citizens, Ophilio opted for a bigger target, outstretching his left arm.
He began gathering a dark energy into his hand, one that crackled like electricity. He pointed the energy at the largest building in sight, and fired it in the form of a large ball, at the middle section of the building. On contact, the energy created a massive explosion, reducing much of it to rubble that rained into the streets below. He began to fire energy indiscriminately, easily reducing the immediate area to smoldering debris. His troop continued to chase down humans, spreading throughout the city. The screams began to annoy Ophilio.

"Another planet with no warriors...this is beginning to grow tedious," he said before picking up chatter from his troop through his helmet.

"Commander Ophilio, something's going on!"

"What? Speak clearly, and in terms not so ambiguous."

"Sir, something-no, someone is attacking us! Someo-Oh god, it's the Uriquia! They've tracked us!"

"Impossible..there's no we could've been tracked, the Evangelion emits no dissonance. Are you certain?"

"Yes! The strange movements, the speed, the power! It's just like they told us in the Hole! It's them! We're doomed!"

"Dammit! Hold your position, I'll be there shortl-"

"Not so fast, big boy." said a voice softly before Ophilio was sent crashing to the ground. He tried to get up, but was knocked upwards before being sent crashing though buildings. He skidded the ground for several feet before stopping. He rolled over, onto his back, and saw nothing. But as he tried to get up, a female, dressed in a form fitting black jumpsuit, appeared on top of him.

"You're not easy to find," she said, staring into his helmet. "Ophilio the Blackheart."

"I advise you get away from me, and leave this planet, quickly," he said, barely stiflying his anger.

"Oh? Trying to scare me? Funny, seeing as you're the one on his back."

"I gave you fair warning. Godblade!"

The earth around them began to rumble as Ophilio began to charge himself with excessive amounts of energy.

"What's this?" said the woman.

Above her head, a massive energy sword began to form. Without warning, it slashed at her, the blow aimed for her torso, but she disappeared, reappearing instantaneously a few feet away. Ophilio immediately jumped to his feet.

"You think you can kill me with shit like that?" she said with a smirk. "Crazy. They must've never taught you anything about Uriquia."

"I don't need lessons to crush an insect!" yelled Ophilio as he charged forward, his sword poised to attack along with the massive blade he conjured.

A great battle was about to commence, and a few feet away, a small boy smiled.

"He's gonna die."



"How did my father fight these beings.." thought Ophilio as he moved into to attack. "What is their weakness.."

He swung his blade downward, missing her as she backflipped several feet into the air, but hit the ground with such power that it crack, driving forth a great deal of dark energy, causing his enemy to lose her bearings mid air. As she faltered, the Godblade swung for her. But she was ready, as stretched her body out, turning in the air, and blocked the attack with a kick imbued with a blue colored energy, contrasting Ophilio's black energy. She landed on her feet, and teleported behind Ophilio, attempting to land an aerial spinning back kick. He caught the kick with his left hand, grabbing her shin and flailing her to the ground, but she teleported from his hands, appearing in front of him, a few feet away. Ophilio fired off an energy blast, one that she dodged with ease. He tried to catch her off guard, quickly coming towards her with a swing of his sword, but she dodged that attack as well, landing a punch to his head in retaliation. Before he could land an attack of his own, she teleported away from him once more.

"You're really slow," she said with a smirk. "How the hell did you manage to get that reputation with swordplay that clumsy?"

"Your words ring hollow, wench. My next swing will earn my trophy wall your head."

"You're too arrogant for your own good. I'll fix that, though."

Her brown eyes suddenly began to glow a deep emerald green. As Ophilio tried to move forward, he felt something wrap around him, something intangible. It constricted his movements, until he wasn't able to move at all.

"What...is this?" he struggled to say.

"Your imminent doom," she said as she slowly walked towards him. "I'm gonna sever your soul from your body."

2 comments:

  1. Gods be damned, son! No wonder you're proud of this story. Very good.

    At first I was reluctant, because sci-fi isn't what I usually read. Soon enough, however, I was pulled in by the possibilities of such a story.

    One of your more poetic works, to be sure. I don't know if you reworked it, or if it just came out, but good job on the writing.

    Concept is, as ever, intriguing, interesting and book material. Never any problem with that.

    Constructive remarks: I was a bit taken aback with the little scene with Ophilio and the woman. It was a bit abrupt. I don't think it should be removed- it fits well into the story- but somehow it cuts in instead of matching with the story. That's all I can say.

    There's a sentence that was a bit unnecessary. When the big one on one battle is about to start, the little boy offering his opinion is a little out of place.
    I understand wanting to offer a third party perspective, and I tend to want to do the same, but it is nonetheless not essential to the story and risks breaking its flow.

    Overall, I agree with it being your best work, even if the genre isn't my favorite. The writing is a step above what I've previously read, and that makes all the difference. Concept-wise, I think all your stories are superb, so not much commenting on that.

    Let this long-ass review be a testimony to this story's greatness.

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  2. Yeah, this is essentially the first draft so to speak, it will be reworked though to address your two criticisms, the girl and boy are both major players in the plot but they need to be established more thoroughly before they can come in and just smash Ophilio. But yeah I'm going to finish this eventually.

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